So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How's work?
Spinning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
