I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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