i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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