I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
