Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
