Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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