your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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