when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
