I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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