If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
