please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
