I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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