super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
did i walk over a car last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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