hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
