Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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