doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
