Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
