I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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