Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
