I wish my penis had an off switch
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
