I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
