Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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