My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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