last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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