I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
