did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
