I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
it's like heaven, but drunker
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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