the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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