my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
