My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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