no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
