It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
40s are totally the cure
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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