Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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