Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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