Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
