You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
