dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
