haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
