I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
