Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
