i think i have two assholes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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