my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just found a bag of teeth...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
