How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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