why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
