I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
