At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
