i think i have two assholes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
