my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
