who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
