4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
